That Kinda “Numb” Feeling

Sometimes you don’t want to write, and that’s okay, I promise. It’s hard to put into words occasionally how you feel, or to be that peppy blogging reviewer person you aimed to be when you started posting. Sometimes you just need a break which is what I’ve done. It wasn’t a conscious decision, it just kind of happened. But now I’m back, for the moment contemplating about whether I should even be writing a post like this.

If you have been following my blog for a while now you will most likely have seen one or two of my “What Made Me Smile” posts. I wrote them for the first 5 weeks of my blog and then somewhat ran face first into a brick wall. I was writing week 6 (a few weeks ago now) and I couldn’t get past Tuesday. I asked myself what made me smile, and I felt nothing. Now I wasn’t having a bad time or anything, in fact the last few weeks have been perfectly fine and normal for me, some ups, some downs but nothing significantly bad. I just feel numb. It feels like I have forgotten to feel sometimes, leaving me unmotivated, numb, kind of empty. Nothing matters, nothing counts, you just feel empty.

But not always of course. I do have my magically, breathtaking moments of laughter and sheer joy that I treasure for all the world with my friends and family. I’ve realised that sometimes it can be like a dark cloud is surrounding our minds however and in a way it’s harder to appreciate these moments. And so I have been led to sign up for a lifeskills workshop running weekly in my college for 6 weeks, of which it’s main aim is to show you how to live life to the full. It’s run by Aware – an Irish organisation offering support to those specifically with depression and bipolar disorder.

I’ve attended the first session so far. A group of us (all girls except one) stood awkwardly outside the doors of the red room awaiting what was to come, all of us needing something from it, none of us knowing each other, all of us curious. I’m guessing some didn’t even tell anyone that they were signing up. After all, we live in a society where mental health problems are often discussed on the down low (but this is changing of course!). We were greeted by a nice woman, who introduced herself and asked us one by one our names, and also what talent we would like to wake up with. An interesting ice-breaker I must say. I’m glad it didn’t go on too long, for I hate those blasted ice-breakers we’re often faced with. She gave us little books called “Why Do I Feel So Bad?” and “Write All Over Your Bathroom Mirror” – and with these and some group exercises, she showed us little by little how we can improve our way of thinking and our behaviour for the better.

What I’m trying to say basically is: It’s okay not to be okay (cheesy I know, but it’s true), Writers block is a huge pain, Support groups and workshops could be worth your time, and YOU’RE NOT ALONE – There are so many people you don’t even know exist that are feeling the same way you do (it took going to that lifeskills workshop and meeting a complete group of me to realise that but oh well). Also feeling nothing is a feeling too. I describe it as a numb feeling but maybe you have a different word for that. Anyway thank you for reading. I love you all, and sorry for such a long break in my posts ❤

Lucy x